The past few days have been a blur, rather the past few weeks or past two months to be precise. I myself don’t know what I’m feeling these days or if I even want to feel the way that I am. For the most part, I don’t, I guess…
It’s been sort of like being in a whirlwind of emotions, emotions that can’t be solely attributed to the frequent visitors called my mood swings, nope. Two months and I don’t remember a single day I was genuinely happy except the day my mom arrived back in India. Two months back, I was happy, at the least was trying to convince me I was, I was gradually working on getting rid of depression slowly and it all even seemed to have started working for me well, I could feel the improvement in my mental state. But then life had other plans. Just when everything started to fall into place, again the downhill rollercoaster ride. Boy, do I hate that gut feeling downhill!😒
People who personally know me might misinterpret this post and think it’s related to the fact that my grandfather was seriously hospitalised, or whatever. But please ‘people’, it’s not that or any of the reasons from my personal life that you’d want to attribute it to. My bad, I didn’t pay heed to my Mr. Brain. He was constantly hinting me of another one of those deep depression episodes, but I thought things were under control and didn’t really expect it to hit so hard. So hard that the ice that kept me on my feet broke and I was left to sink into that cold area I never wished to visit again, not for a while! But of course, as always,… 😔Even right now, as I write this post, it’s been two hours since I started and I’m still beating around the second paragraph unsuccessfully trying to keep my defenses up against these anxiety issues (feels like my body wouldn’t stop releasing adrenaline for a second and Mr. Heart seems to be doing a disco dance), I can’t feel at ease even if I sit, stand, lie down, jump, breath or whatever. But in the end there’s always WHATEVER, WHATEVER and WHATEVER!
The past two months, I’ve been a bad person, bad according to the behavioural norms that I’ve set for myself. For one, my mind has had enough of people prying on it and it suppressing its feelings and now it feels that it’s okay to be rude to some specific people (of course because they deserve it) irrespective of their age or designation. I can’t figure out what exactly is going on in my head, I don’t really feel like doing anything, anything at all. I’ve started to question people’s behaviour, how it changes, how it changes around me, to me and also most importantly, how genuine it is. Despite being a ‘MISER’ which I definitely am all thanks to my Mr. Brain, I’ve been too spendthrift, like a child unable to resist its temptations. I’ve been moody when things didn’t work my way and expected way too much I shouldn’t. The fact that my mom wouldn’t say no if I insist too much, I feel like I took advantage of it, like I don’t deserve any of these things or ‘whatevers’ that I have.
Anyways, enough with my problems I guess. This post also is a result of feeling bad to have abandoned my darling blog for two too long months. Just need to get things sorted out. Hopefully, I’ll be able to post regularly from now on.
*sneezes*, *excuses herself* and *bless you*s herself.